My only interpretation is that the residents of Apt. 227 had been parking there, and had created copies of those sheets so they wouldn’t get a ticket.  The generosity of the action really spoke to me.  I can imagine my reaction in that situation, and probably many people’s reaction, to coming home and finding “some a$$hole” in my spot.  My response would certainly have not included putting one of my fliers on the car to prevent the person from getting a ticket.  The simple generosity of the act really spoke to me.  The person (presumeably) just found another place to park, then made sure I wouldn’t get it a ticket.  It really made me think about how I interacted with the strangers, and about responding with love instead of anger.

The act was uncompromising.  Far too often I think we get into a mode of “protecting ourselves” and “standing up for ourselves.”  This response of unrequitted kindess just floored me.  I no longer let myself get walked all over.  There are more steps on the path than just doormat to self-protection though.  Stepping into being giving is something I hope to achieve.  Such a small act, yet so immensely powerful. 

Oh, there are so many things wrong with this.

First,  why don’t you have AAA?

Second, why didn’t you call a garage on your cell phone and have them drive you out enough gas to get to the station?

Third, if you don’t have a cell phone, WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE.

Fourth, I don’t know… walk to the nearest exit?  Have the police call a gas station for you?  ANYTHING.  First of all, it would never occur to me to make that kind of sign in the first place, I would fix the problem myself.  Second of all, if I was going to make the sign, I would stop waving it (and slowing down traffic) when the police showed up!  Seriously.  WTF.

That’s my little rant for the day.  I wiped.  Minister Search Committee meeting tonight was good, very productive and all, but now it’s time for bed.

Peace out.

Oh, and did I mention that it’s a lot of work too?  I thought I was in shape from rollerblading 8 miles twice a week.  Unh-uh.  That was a workout.  Sad sad sad.  I’m white and I’m OLD.

=)

1) I can still do some things that are primarily for me, I just need to make sure helping people is also on my list in multiple places, and that it has some priority.  Don’t need to become an ascetic, no need to give up everything to try and become a saint, which as any of you who know me will gladly chirp in, I’m undoubtedly not.

2) While if I was truly just interested in helping people, as long as I don’t pick a narrow field (Jessica used Marine Biology as example), I can indeed go to grad school for something I’m interested in, and then use that degree to follow the path and help people in ways that are relevant.  There are millions of different ways to apply a law degree, or psychology, etc.  No need to have my final path clearly chosen before finding something I really want to do for grad school.

Both of these things were a rather huge relief to me.  I was feeling like the world was rather black and white (hello Cindy), and that I needed to be spending the majority of my time moving forward doing things to help people in need.  These ideas give me a better sense of balance about what I need to do.  Thank in particular to Jessica for idea number two, and for inspiring idea number one.  I’m at a lot more centered place now.

Maybe I’m being a little hard on myself.  I have a way of taking things very personally, being too empathetic… and writing may be a way of relieving some of those intense feelings.  I think that is why I have a hard time with people who are obviously sad, down, or socialy in appropiate.  I empathize so much and so quickly, it’s hard on me.  I put myself into that emotional space immediately… and then it’s hard for me to separate my general ok-ness from the place that I’ve gone.

If I ever tell anyone that I’m not sensitive, feel free to slap me.  Gently. =)

Feeling slightly lost right now. Not lost in a bad way. Just lacking direction. I’ve been feeling like the direction I’m supposed to be going is towards grad school and psychology, now I’m not so sure. Helping people be happier with themselves seems a noble goal. Helping well-fed, well-housed, relatively safe middle and upper-class people be happier seems slightly less noble, when there are others out there who need help more. My mission has always been to help people. For a long time, I had to figure out how to help myself first. Now that I’m in a better place, I have to figure out exactly how to help others. My friend Jessica suggested family therapy as something I might find interesting, and it definitely appeals to me, the opportunity to help kids and families during the difficulty, as opposed to years later when the damage is already done.

This train of thought today was kicked off by reading the “Readers Write” section of the September edition of a magazine called “The Sun.” They have a list of topics for the upcoming month, and every edition has a series of submitted vignettes on that month’s topics. This month’s topic was “Coming Back.” Reading of all people’s difficulties, of paraplegia, of $10 funerals in Nicaragua, of drugs, of helpnesss in the face of your child cutting… and of course of inspirational stories too… it strikes me of how sheltered a life I lead, and now that my head is out of the sand of my childhood, how I am going to choose to lead my adult life.

It’s easy to sit here in my comfortable apartment, having eaten a fulfulling grilled steak burrito for dinner, knowing that I can be confident of sleeping safely through the night and not fearing harm to my body or possessions… it’s easy to say that I am sheltered, and that I need to do something about it, but will I be willing to take the harder paths from here?

Such different paths lay in front of me. I have lists in my head, and on paper, of all the things I want to do. Trips to Africa, Italy, Australia. Studying a martial art, learning to draw, learning to sing, grad school for psychology, learning to dance… playing sports. So many fascinating things to do out there. All this seems so exciting. Seemed so exciting?

What about the problems that are out there in the world. Can I go on, pretending they don’t exist, leading my merry little life and exploring all the things I want to explore, ignoring the morass that lies down below my cushy economic status?

I’ve done a fine job of pretending up until now.

I have pages upon pages of all sorts of philosophical musings that I had intended for this space. It all seems so safe now. Easy to spend hours worrying about the definitions of utilitarianism when I have food, shelter and safety. Do all my grand schemings and thoughts of finding universal answers mean so much to those who are hungry? to those who are out in the rain, cold and heat? to those who fear for their lives on a daily or hourly basis?

I think not so much.

How to make change in a meaningful way though. So much beaurocracy out there, so much waste, so many people stealing from programs that try to aid. What level do you start helping on? Is the homeless and hungry in Philadelphia enough? What about all the starving children in other countries. What about those that fear for their lives? Where to begin?

Odd, that I (and I feel like many others as well) are so drawn to the suffering in other countries, when there is so much suffering in our own. I feel like it’s discounted in my head. “No one suffers that much in the US. We’re all ok for the most part.” Despite evidence to the contrary that I’ve seen with my own eyes. I probably haven’t seen enough evidence. It’s easier to think of the few exceptions to middle class life that I’ve seen as exceptions, and not the rule for very many. It’s easier to think that “hey, everyone’s life in America must be pretty similar or better than mine”, and worry about the people who are “really” hurting in other places.

I know this is a bias, and not true, yet I can’t get it out of my head. My gut keeps telling me, as much as my head argues against it, that “no, really, those people elsewhere need your help more.” On a certain level they do… I’m sure that relatively speaking, the worst off Americans are generally better off than the worst in other places, or maybe even the middle ground elsewhere. Maybe it’s just that my calling is overseas, and not here.

Maybe it’s safe to look at the negatives far away from home, rather than the ones close to home, because the ones close to home are personal.

My self-appointed tasks for the night? I need to go burn some mixes… I want to make some nice music compliations for myself to listen to. I don’t feel very motivated, yet what am else am I to do? Will I actually take the next step, become motivated, and start down the path tonight of actually helping those in need.

Sadly, likely not. Feeling badly for others is one thing, but take me out of my comfort zone? Say what? Yes, that’s what I thought. Never quite as easy to walk the path as it is to know the path, right Neo?

Perhaps I sell myself short. There is happiness to be found, after all, even in Nazi concentration camps. Perhaps there is something thoughts and ways of thinking that are applicable to all, regardless of relative prosperity.

Ah, the myths we tell ourselves so that we can continue on with our pleasant lives, pretending that all is well. As long as we are safe and well-fed, who are we to take action if our government is corrupt or inept or both? Oh yes, we’ll complain, but actualy make something happen? Oh no, that will take far too much of our precious time, take us far too far away from our important lives.

And I, I am one of those. I sit here and write this, but I don’t think I’ll make it off my ass today, nor probably tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to take a hip-hop dance class. Wednesday I go to a meeting to help select a new minister for a nice relatively well-fed congregation that can’t seem to stop talking about helping and actually get of our asses and actually do some helping. Seems to be a familiar pattern.

I used to think that it wasn’t my fault as to where I was born, why shouldn’t I live my life the way I can, given my pleasant economic status. I don’t know if I subscribe to that anymore. Is there a a moral obligation to be altruistic? For me, maybe there is. How long will I procrastinate and put off and hold on to this current life? Probably far too long. Easy and safe and fun are wonderful.

If you find a baby laying face-down in a puddle as you are walking down the street, do you have a moral obligation to pick it up, or to at least turn it over, so that it doesn’t drown? Most people would say yes, and would in fact pick the baby up and turn it over to the authorities at the very least. Should not that same helping spirit apply to those with slightly less dramatic instances of need. If I can help the hungry, why should I sit safe in my home? If I can help the homeless, why should I sit safe in my home, playing nice music, watching nice tv, learning how to draw?

My professor in my freshman year ethics class suggested the 10% rule. That you should donate 10% of your wealth towards helping others, and manage the rest of your life with the rest. Why 10%? Why draw the line there? Why should my life not be dedicated to helping others? Are any of the other things that I have so wonderful and so much more meaningful to me that they are more important than someone else eating?

The airplane joke comes to mind. A man takes his seat on a flight to Chicago, and turns to the woman seated next to him. “Ma’am, I have to say, you are very attractive, and I would very much like to spend a night with you. Would you be willing to come to my hotel room tonight, spend the night, and sleep with me, for a million dollars?” The woman looks at him, he seems reasonably attractive, she mulls for a few seconds, then says “Sure, for a million dollars, why not, I’ll do it. If we’re going to be intimate, why don’t we talk, it would be nice to get to know you a little better, and we’ve got a couple of hours to kill.” They proceed to have a pleasant conversation during the course of the flight. As the plane begins to descend for landing, the man turns to the woman and says, “Alright, so, it’s settled then, for $5,000, you’re going to sleep with me tonight.” The woman turns to him with a shocked and offended look on her face and says, “Excuse me! What kind of girl do you think I am?!?” The man replies, “Oh, honey, we’ve already established that, now we’re just negotiating price!”

If you’re going to donate 10% of your time/money, I feel like you’re the girl on the airplane. You’re spending 90% of your time/money on yourself, we’ve already established who you are, your needs are most important. Why bother giving up the 10%, why not just keep it all? You should give it all.

What do you have that you truly need?

What do I have that I truly need?